how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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