I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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