I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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