I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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