Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
