It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
