you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
