3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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