My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
