you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
