Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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