You're my little dorito
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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