I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
