cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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