i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
