The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
