I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
