I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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