Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
