My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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