I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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