I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
