I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
