No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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