My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize