but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize