You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
