I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
