Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
