She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
