I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
