k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
