mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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