I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Randomize
