So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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