who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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