Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
