If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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