I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
