dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
