speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
