I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
