i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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