Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
