...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
