I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize