The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
