its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
