I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
