i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
