He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You are the jesus of drinking
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
