Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
