can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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