I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
