Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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