I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
