your room smells of hookers.
And success
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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