PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
