just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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